I had my 'best boy' put to sleep last month and I can't believe how much it has upset me.  Why do we do it?  Is it right to make that judgement?  He had hip dysplaysis and a mouth cancer which was operated on 3 1/2 years ago but I still thought he would go on forever.  Up until 10 days before I sent him to 'Rainbow Bridge' he was going for his daily (slow) walks and asking for food but i did have to help him get up and ensure he was lying down properly.  On the morning we were due to go to Cornwall he was sick - but just the once so i hoped the trip to visit his friends would perk him up.  He went for a small walk the first day we got there but he was losing interest in food - very unlike him - and after a couple of days he lost control of both of his back legs (he had previously had occasional bouts where he dragged one of them and sometimes fell over).  I managed to get him into the garden every day as I didn't want to give up on him.  He was eating very little (refusing freshly roast chicken and steak - not a Lab trait) and I feel sad that his last snacks were always full of Antibiotics for his mouth and Metacam for his hips.  I was hoping that the antibiotics would clear up whatever was wrong with him.  I know i should have taken him to a vet down there but i was scared of the answer.  I brought him home and rang up the Vets warning them that i though they might advise me to have him PTS.   He slept for 12 hours solid after the journey and only woke up when i moved him. I spent a day grooming him and loving him. As soon as the Vet saw him she said there was little she could do for him - also his heart was racing whilst asleep.  Very sadly I signed the form - the hardedst decision I have ever made and if my 8 year old son hadn't been with me i don't know if I could have done it, I did it because I loved him so much but I feel as if I booked his appointment with death as I was leaving the country the next day and didn't want my mum to have to make the decision for me.

Now I'm worried I made the wrong decision - the Vet said he was slowly shutting down but how do I know he was hurting?  Maybe he was fine just sleeping his days away - his legs could still run when he was asleep. I was totally unprepared for how hard it was so send him off - the Vet came to the house and i didn't wake him up (like me he was never good in the mornings!).  He hardly knew she was there but he did shake his leg a little when she tried to find a vein - which she couldn't.  She told me that as his circulation was so bad his veins had collapsed and proposed giving him a sedative in his back and giving him an injection into his chest.  She did warn me that this would take longer - i asked if we could leave him alone at this stage but she said he already had anesthetic in him and we couldn't - do you think she was telling me it really was his time?  It took and hour 1/2 for him to stop breathing.  He didn't know what was happening and it was just like turning him off - but i feel dreadful - it was like he didn't want to go either.  How do i know he wasn't distressed for those last breaths when he was rattling?  Did i give him chance to recover from whatever it was that had made him sick or had he had a stroke/heart attack?  Is it normal for an old dog to just fade away and should we just let them go at their own pace?  He trusted me completely and I feel like I killed him.  I also feel very guilty that i didn't initially notice how ill he was and left him alone one day when he was physically sick and I could have been with him to give him water etc.

Or have i got it wrong?  Should I be grateful for the fantastic surgeon who operated on his cancer and gave me 3 extra fantastic year with him?  He was at home when he died and I was with him stroking him and telling him how beautiful he was (he really was - when he was ill the only thing I could do for him was groom him and massage him - even the Vet commented how lovely his coat was).  I told him how much i loved him - he was a greatly loved family pet who welcomed both my children as they came along.  He was my first 'baby' and best friend.  But should i have stayed with him for another week-end and seen if steroids would have helped him?  The Vet thought very unlikely but I'll never forgive myself for not having tried.  Or had I dragged out his life too much as it was?

It is so hard to forget all these bad memories - but we had lots of FAB times.  He was the BEST and I miss him all the time.  Does it get better?  I'm 4 weeks on and it doesn't feel like it will.  Is it being unfaithful to him to get another puppy?  I know where i went wrong last time and can give a dog a great life - but do they give more to us then we give to them?  Can I stand the pain of losing another one?  My son is far more sensible then me.  He could see that he wasn't well and wasn't happy, he saw him go to sleep and tells me he is in a better place now.  I know I go on too much as he had a dream where he asked the Vet to stop injecting him - but that will have been for me.

No one warned me that saying goodbye would be so hard - and the friends who say 'but you knew he was old' don't help.  I did my best but we don't always get things right.  If I did wrong I hope Toby forgives me.  He wasn't 'just a dog'.....Wherever you are Toby run free and I hope there are lots of people to give you the love and attention you deserve. Love you always and miss you forever xxxxxxxxx

There's a good saying -rather a day too soon than a minute too late. The only thing you can be absolutely certain of is that your lovely dog will not suffer by being put to sleep -it's you and your family that will suffer. It sounds to me like you did the right thing, you gave the greatest gift of all -put your dog's wellbeing above you own feelings. That's the best we can all do for our dogs.

Hugs to you. I have two oldies myself very much on borrowed time so I often have to think of this subject, and I know how hard it is.

oh the tears are running down my cheeks, i know exactly how you feel, 6 years ago our darling 'sally' who was 18yrs old, started to have accidents around the house, she also would start eating her food standing up but half way through her legs would colapse and she would end up eating lying down, she was completly deaf and started to get cataract in one eye, our stairs are curved and thank goodness they are because im sure she would of fell from top to bottom if and when she attempted to go down them, as she used to sit at the top and wait to be carried down, she was our first dog we had her just before we got married and before the children came along, Then one day myself and hubby decided that enough was enough and her quality of life was nil, she used to look at me when she accidently weed as if to say im sorry mom i couldnt hold it, to this day i dont know if she was in any pain but i could see she was giving up, i remember the day as if it was yesterday, i took her to the vets alone because oh just couldnt bare it, but he changed his mind and pulled up outside the vets at the same time, we took her in and the vets said she was ready to go her heart was giving up (im crying now) i will always remember the look she gave me after the injection was given, i thought at the time it was a look of 'why mom' but i know deep in my heart it was 'thankyou mom'. i can say hand on heart i have never seen my husband cry as much as he did that day we where both so distraught, and felt very guilty, when we got home we said to each other 'what if we kept her for a few more days/months' maybe she would of been ok, the accidents around the house were no problem to us, i remember my mom coming to see us when i opened the door i warned her 'do not say that we have done the right thing because at this very moment i feel i have not'  it took us weeks to realise that what we done was the best thing for sally. we went 4 years without having another dog but now we have tess who is the same colour/temperiment as sally. you take as long as you need to and cry when you want to, the other day my hubby was in the shed sorting out and i could see him wiping away tears, when i went to him he had sally's lead in his hands hence we both broke down. Remember the wonderfull years you spent together your memories will stay with you for a lifetime. im sure he is looking down on you and saying thankyou mom. im thinking about you and take care.

(((((((((((pixiedust))))))))))))))
I really do feel for you Pixiedust and I know the guilt and pain you're going through.
I had my 14 yr old cat put to sleep a few weeks ago and it was heartbreaking. I made the decision because he was terminally ill, no chance of recovery, and I wanted to end his suffering. I knew it was the right thing to do but the guilt afterwards was unbearable and I really did seriously question whether or not I'd done the right thing. I started thinking that it wasn't my decision to make, and that he could have had an extra day, or maybe two, and that I shouldn't have sent him to his death. Or maybe the vet was wrong and maybe he could have gone on to have another year even. Everyone told me I'd done the right thing but it didn't help - I really didn't think I had. I now feel that my reaction was totally normal and alot of people go through this after making such a difficult decision. This is a reply to somebody who lost a beloved dog in similar circumstances to you. It's written by a vet.

"I would say categorically that you did the right thing not waiting for his legs to go completely. So many people wish their pets would just go in their sleep so that that most dreadful of decisions is taken out of their hands but it is far kinder to end it before it comes to that in cases like yours. It's very easy to always think, 'what if' and you are torturing yourself because you are wondering if you let him go too soon. You didn't. His legs were very bad by the sound of things and I strongly believe that when their bowel continence goes many dogs find it very distressing because they know they've messed where they shouldn't.

It seems to me that the major problem you have is guilt and this is exactly what I felt when I decided to put my own dog down. Her legs were bad just like your dog but to be honest once it was over I knew we'd let it drag on too long which wasn't fair on her. Ever since then I've tried to make sure my clients don't make the mistake we did. Your story brings that back and if there is one thing I would say is that you mustn't feel guilty any more. You did everything you could for him and your vet's right; you probably gave him more than many people would have. You got him through 17 years which is incredibly old for a dog, you treated him with love and kindness and, most importantly, you gave him a dignified end without suffering and that is what love is all about. Believe me; you couldn't have been better if you'd done things differently.

My one piece of advice is this; at your lowest ebb re-read what I've said because it's true. You can put your fears and your guilt behind you and concentrate on the memories you have of him in his prime. It's really hard to start with and it may be a cliché but if you can leave the guilt behind you you will soon find yourself smiling at the memories of your brilliant times instead of dwelling on your decision. You did the right thing."

I read and re-read this in the days after my cat died. It still makes me cry but I believe the essense of what the vet is saying.
Take comfort in the fact that you boy had a wonderful life with you and you ended his suffering when it was his time to go. You have done the right thing and as the grief gets less painful you'll begin to see that again. Thinking of you xx

I've had to read this post in 3 go's. I am crying.
Its the hardest decision and feels so awful when you do it but deep down you come to realise its the best thing to do - as someone has said - best for the dog not for the family.
Think of the good times. It does get easier.
xxx

so sorry to hear about your loss pixiedust.

As hard as it is at the moment, you did the right thing. I think most of us wish for our pets to comfortably go in their sleep when they are old, but sadly this is so often not the case, and we have to make the difficult decision for them before they become too infirm or in too much pain.

As Marianne said, it is better to be a day to early than a day too late. Sometimes, no matter how many 'what if's' are going through our minds, we have to let go and accept that we did the right thing, and hold onto the good memories that will stay with you forever.

Claire
xx

Personally I think you did the right thing for your boy, hard though it is. It sounds as though his system was already shutting down - and we do it because we know we can prevent or stop their pain and suffering, even though it is a million times harder for us than them. It is normal to grieve, and to have doubts - but you did the best for your 'best boy'. As time passes you will start to remember the 14 fun filled years and not the end. Hugs. xx

My heart goes out to you, I was in same situation a few weeks ago. I had to get my beloved 17year old girl pts and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. At the time it happened I was convinced she was looking at me and saying with her eyes that her time had come. Afterwards I was then convinced she was asking me to give her a chance. But as I signed the papers the vet said I had made the right decision and I now truly believe I did. We are left here grieving for her but she is free of pain and suffering and I know we gave her the best life we could. Two weeks later we got a puppy as my other dog was so sad and it broke my heart even more to watch her moping for her best friend and looking for her around the house. It turns out the puppy is deaf and I think my girl that was put to sleep has sent him to me as she knows I will give puppy best life possible. And my other dog loves the pup to bits. Not everyone chooses to get a pup so soon after losing their dog but I feel that I have the love to give him whereas he may have went to a horrid home. It doesnt stop me shedding tears for my old girl but it does bring back a little happiness into the home and I am doing it in her memory as she was a great dog the best I could have had. Now I'm crying. Big hugs to you and let us all know how you get on. This board is great as everyone is so supportive and full of good advice.
Donna x

((((hugs)))))

Pixiedust,

I know the guilt you are feeling.  When my ESS was put to sleep almost a year ago, it was the worst time ever.  I cried and cried, and you know what?  I still cry.  (and I am crying right now)

But, I am thankful, that I had a best friend throughout my toughest years. 

When we were at the vets, after they injected her, I wanted to scream NO!!! and have them do everything possible to bring her back.  I know there was nothing they could do, after she was injected, and that the decision was forever, but I still wanted to, every inch of my body. 

But, I wanted to keep her, because I was being selfish.  She didnt have a good life anymore, and barely wanted to do anything.  It would have been unloving, to keep her going.  I wanted to spare myself, the grief that I knew was to come.

And you will probably, do it all again.  You will probably get another dog, and love him as well, and be faced with the same question down the road.  But, you asked why we do this?  Could you see yourself, as the same person, without your best boy?  Could you see yourself, as not being able to love another one?  Probably not.  We do it, because we love them so much.  We look past the grief, we feel, and look at all the joyous times.  We cant imagine our lives without dogs.  We rip our hearts out when they go, but I can tell you, I wouldnt change the way I do feel when they go, to loose out on the wonderful times they are here.

Sometimes, the hardest things, we do as people, are often the kindest.  Bless you.

Oh god, I can't stop crying. Pixiedust, hugs to you and your family. Its so hard, I made the same decision back in February, I still get upset thinking about it now, But I know I did what was best for my boy, not me, because ultimately thats our  responsibity to do what they need, not what we need. I have a huge picture of my darling boy hanging in my living room, from when he was healthy and happy and slowly, over time, I have been able to look at him and smile, remembering the good times. Why do we do it??? because our lives are so much better with them in it for however brief a time. take care xxx

I can't read this, I think we have probably all been there Pixiedust, we know how you feel and feel the same pain. You loved your dog for 14 years, I loved mine for 13. Making the decision is never easy, I still miss him 3 years later, but I did my best for mine as you did for yours, he is free of pain and we are the better for having loved them.

Take care xx
marion

Dear Crespin, I have just read your post of Joy - well the bits I could see through my tears.  Thankyou so much for your words - not that it's good to hear of your pain but it's good to know that I am not alone in feeling such hurt and pain.  Sometimes I really do think that I am going mad.  I so wanted the world to stop turning and leave me alone with my sleeping dog.  You are so right - I would not be the same person without my dog.  I miss him so much.  I was worried about talking about him to two of my friends who have both lost their fathers but they both totally understood how hard it must be for me.  There are few people that i see first thing in the morning, last thing at night and thankfully non who are totally dependant upon me, even my children are growing up - our dogs never do.  Toby was even more like a baby in his last year - only one that never cried and bossed me about - how can you beat that.  I told my son that I hoped no-one would feel the pain I am feeling when I'm gone - he said don't worry mum -we'll miss you but we really won't cry this much!  I'm sure our dogs would feel the same to - if only they could talk...Take care x

Thank you eveyone for your such kind words.  I sneaked a look at the board at tea-time.  He always barked for his tea at 6pm - even when the clocks changed - how did he do that!?! - and I always find myself crying around this time.  I left reading the messages in full until the children went to bed - I think every one made me cry.  Tonights evening meal made me sad - who is there now to eat the scraps from the steak?.. but i really can't stay up too late as I cleaned out the utility room today and found that a mouse had been eating the childrens' fake dog poo - that did make us giggle but now i'm worried that now his food source has gone (I think it was made from dog biscuit - I had to hide it from Toby as he also had taken a liking to it)there might be an angry mouse on the rampage!  I'm too soft to lay down a trap for him - i hope he just leaves...

Although nothing will ever replace Toby my utility is now safe for a pup - but perhaps a cat would be more useful....A new family member is a way off but the messages have helped me so much.  

I so wanted to keep Toby but I know it was wrong - I couldn't keep him like a cuddy Teddy if he might have been in pain, Thank-you again for your reassurances.  I hate cleaning the house and getting rid of the last traces of him - I miss his hairs and the dirty skirting - a spotless home really isn't me.  I have his collar and some hair from his last groomig but I wish I had his bed  - I let the Vet take him away on it as a stretcher - I was too upset to think properly - but my last memory of him is of him lying in his bed - he did look so peaceful - I had to jump into the car to give him one last kiss.   I really feel that my world is less bright without him but i will do my best to remember that he shone so brightly in his prime and gave me so much happiness, Thankyou, Pixiedustx

Oh pixiedust,my heart goes out to you,I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your "best boy"
I too felt the same about my beautiful Shadow who I had pts a month ago.Just like you, I felt like I has signed his death warrent,like I had let him down and at the point when the second the vet was ready to do the deed, I just wanted to break free and run for my life with Shadow with me.I dont think I will forget that awful feeling as long as I live, or his eyes looking at me for the last time as he finally went to sleep for ever....so I know a little of what youre feeling right now,its not an easy thing to have to do.
A month on and I still beat myself up about it,have moments when I break down and sob cos I miss him so much and cant believe hes not here anymore. When im being sensible about it all,I know in my head I did the right thing for Shadow at the time,but nothing anyone can say or do will ever take away the nagging  feeling in my heart of "What if Id done things different." "Perhaps something couldve been done to change things"

I have to make myself believe that it was the right thing to do or I think I will crack up and maybe thats what you must do, but I cant tell you how to feel,, I just want you to know I understand ,you have to find a way to deal with how your feeling and come to terms with it in your own time...no one has anyright to tell a person how long to grieve,each person is different and there are no rights or wrongs.

If I could give you a big hug right now I would,and I hope in time things get a little easier.After reading your story I do think it was right for your "best boy" and it sounds to me like you did all you could for him and that you loved him very much, he will have known it too.

He will be at Rainbow Bridge now ,free from pain and running and playing happily in the sun  with the other animals, i'm sure my "Shadsy" will keep him company till you get to see him again.

Take care pixiedust,
I send you lots of love and hugs
Philly xx

((((((((((big hug to you pixiedust)))))))))))))))))))

its so very hard to do this but please rember always the wonderful life you had with your best boy and the memony of that will always be with you.
Run free Toby
god bless you all.

xxxx

Pixiedust my heart goes out to you for the loss of your beloved boy,I wish I had joined the forum last year when I lost my beloved GSD Skye These people on here in times of loss,and because they love there dogs so much,and have obviousely had to make that awful decision at sometime,seem to have the right words which help us get through these times.It will get easier I promise you. Hugs from Sacha our new GSD and Tilly the Daxi,and from me as well. xx

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pixiedust}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I let my 10 year old Gemma go to the bridge Jut past 1pm on  4th December 2007. She was put to sleep at home and I helped carry her to the car myself.
I now have her ashes on my mantle piece. I still cant bare to bury them like I plan to.
Her Collar and tags are round the neck of one of my teddies on my windowsill, and for several months after Gemma went, I would carry the collar in my pocket and car and hold it. I even put her tag on my running shorts when I ran my marathon at the end of April. It was only after this, the collar and tags were put on my teddie that I have had since I was 5.
Now I realise I was depressed for several months after Gemma went, but honestly it does get easier.
Today I was able to go through old photos and found pictures of Gemma from puppy through to the day she was PTS and I no longer cry.
Gemma had Cancer and I know I did the right thing helpig her to the bridge, like you did helping your boy to the bridge.
As someone said earlier, better a day too soon than a day too late.
He is at peace now, out of pain and back to full health.
This is a poem that helped me
Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

...Author unknown

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Lea

Oh Pixiedust, such pain. I wish we didn't suffer such terrible hurt, but if we didn't then we wouldnt care. It is such a terrible time, but there is that cheesy old saying 'if you love them let them go' and so often with our dogs it holds very true. When I had my first GSD pts, and they had put her body in their car, my vet had to physically catch me in mid-flight running down the drive to get to her.......it was a kind of madness, but I just felt I had to stop her leaving. I still touch a lock of her hair every night (it hangs on the bedpost) and it is 4 years now. However, I did get another GSD and I love her to pieces. I am proud to be able to say that my first GSD girl meant so much to me, that I just had to have another in my life.

It will get easier, but it does take time.
K
XXXXXX

The last 2 months feel like they have been the longest ever but I'm picking up a new pup next week-end and although he will never replace Toby I'm feeling a warm glow in my heart.  I don't think the pain does get easier, we just have to learn to not think about it and create more happy memories to out-number the bad ones.  I'll never be convinced that I 'did the right thing' for Toby but again I will do my best to give this pup the best life.  I know he will break my heart one day but from the look on my childrens' faces (and mine!) I also know the joy he will bring.  I feel like the balance of my life is being restored.  I haven't been sleeping properly since Toby went but now I already feel tired at the thought of training him on dark winter mornings - but I'm really looking forward to it!  I lost my mobile phone a couple of weeks ago, I had a photo of Toby 2 days before he died as my screensaver so he was the first thing and last thing i saw each day.  I don't think it was helping as i took it because I thought he looked a bit better and it made me cry nearly every time i saw it.  The pup is so little and he's got a big job helping me mend but from the wagging of his tail i don't thing he'll mind.

Thank-you again for all your kind words, they really helped me as i thought i was going mad as the pain was so great, Pixiedust xx

Hi Pixiedust
I am SO glad to hear you are collecting a puppy. Of course he will never replace toby, but he will take his own place in your heart and bring you joy in his own right. I'm sure he wont mind helping you mend, in fact it's his job

Kat

Toby sounds like he had a wonderful life with your family and he is a very loved boy indeed. It is never easy to lose a pet that you love so very dearly, everyone who has lost or let go a dog will know the pain and the If and What's. I hope you can in time start to remember the happy times you shared with Toby! He will also be remembered and loved by you and your family. Wishing you lots of Love 'n' Hugs Lois xx

God bless you; I know that pain so well.  Our Spender only left for the bridge 10 weeks ago; I was a wreak, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I had a week off work, I cried, howled, cried and howled; I had alternating periods of deep depression and sorrow.  I went over those last 2 hours over and over in my mind, what could have I have done differently, if only I'd taken him to the vet sooner, if only I'd have been paying more attention, if only..... if only.....  But in reality we can only deal with what we see in front of us at that time. 

Spender had developed IMT and IMHA; it sneaked up on us and took him fast.  Although he was fighting it and looked well at times, even that night before he left, things changed early in the morning, his heart started to give up and there was nothing the vet could do.  When our vet arrived, he also said Spender was starting to shut down. I have no doubt that he wasn't ready to go in mind, Spender was full of it at nearly 13, but he was starting to suffer in those last 2 hours and we had to let him go. 

For the first couple of weeks we watched video after video, his lead came out with us on walks with our other dog, none of his stuff has been moved.  Bowls and collars are still here in the same place as they were when he was here.  We created a tribute on the mantle piece with his casket and picture with a light, directly over where he slept and I am still sleeping there at night on his bed.  It gives me comfort at this time and I think that's important. 

Do what you feel is right in your heart no matter how inappropriate you may think it may seem to others and never move on until you are ready.  Just think your boy has gone to the bridge now, you will follow when it's your turn and you will be reunited again.  Death does not mean seperation, just a change in your relationship, he is now in your heart and he will always be safe there.  Grief works in mysterious ways; it does not understand time, the pain does not get easier , we learn to live with it which makes it appear easier but it's important to own the feeling and feel it, only then can we work though it.  Saying goodbye to your physical relationship now is the hardest part about owning a pet, but we wouldn't forfeit those memories, the love and joy for anything.  As hard as it is, it is oh so worth owning the pain.  God bless XX

Toby had the best life ever with you,sure you have done the best thing getting a little pup he will keep you busy during these sad days and you are giving him a loving home my thoughts are with you and your family.

Sheilaxx