The tears are absolutely streaming down my face and I am sobbing having read so many of the posts in this forum.  I had to have my beautiful 14yr old Akita PTS on Wednesday 26th November 2008.  She'd had cancer for two years and finally just looked so distressed I coudn't bear to see her go through it anymore.  Three days have passed and I don't know what to do with my pain.  I miss her so much, it is unbearable. I feel like I have let her down, taken her life and betrayed her.  She was the most beautiful girl to exist.  Kind, loving, soft, warm, intelligent and most of all, she loved me whatever mood I was in, whatever day I had had.

How do we get through it?  I lost my dad a year ago next week and loved him so dearly but the love I have for my beautiful girl Madi, seems so much more intense, so painful.   It doesn't feel real to me and yet it feels so real that it hurts like hell.  I had to get rid of most of her things because seeing them keeps me breaking down and sobbing.  I have never sobbed like that before in my life.  I felt like I just wanted to break, that I did break.  Losing her feels like I have broken inside.  I know they have to go and in my mind for the past two years I have been expecting it but my heart didn't know the kind of pain it would feel. I didn't know that kind of pain existed.  Wednesday was the worst day of my life.  I know I had to do it, the vet said it was the right choice, my partner said it was the right decision and her quality of life told me it was the right decision but no matter how many people tell me that, I just long to wake up from this and see her gorgeous soft brown eyes looking at me questioningly, asking why I am so upset.

She was my one constant, my one true love, the friend I always trusted and the friend I always enjoyed.  What a painful breaking place now exists in her place.  I miss her so much and want to tell her I am so so sorry I had to make that choice for her.  I hope she knows how much I love her and always will. 

I don't know now whether I should bring a new puppy into my life so I can give it all the love I gave to Madi.  I don't know when is too soon.  The thought of having a puppy  makes me feel sick with betrayal and makes me feel scared that I won't love it as much.  But it also makes me smile at the thought of having the opportunity to build that friendship again, from scratch, with all the knowledge Madi gave me.  Madi taught me to be responsible, to think of her not just myself.  I don't have children to think about, just me and my partner so Madi taught me.  She taught me so much......

Thank you to her for being exactly who she was and is.  Thank you to her for loving me the way she did.  Most of all, thank you to her for being the most beautiful thing to exist in my life. 

How do I get through having to do what I did......

I think that the loss of a pet brings up bereavement from the past that you haven't got over -ie your Dad . Christmas is a bad time for me as , although i have 3 beautiful children , i still miss my Mum and i always have a little cry in the shower on Christmas morning . This makes me feel bad as i should be appreciating all the things i have - not crying for things that i can't have .
However , coming up to Xmas is probably not the time to get a new Pup , how about contacting breed clubs and look towards the New Year for a new pup .
You do have enough love for another pup ( i know this as i have 3 kids ) , but this pup will have it's own personality - don't expect it to be like Madi .
You will know when the right time is .  Let us know how you get on .

first of all please know that without a doubt you did the right thing for her.
In fact the best thing.
shes now free from pain and waiting for you at the bridge.
Run Free girl.
(((((((((((((((big hug to you all)))))))))))))))))))
god bless you.
xxxxxx

It is the price we have to pay for the privilege of having our companion animals, my Granddad always said it was the most loving thing we could do for them, when the quality of life had gone, we owe them a peaceful passing.

To be honest you never get over the loss of any pet, but what happens is the pain eases & the good times you had together bring a smile to your face when you remember them instead of tears. I miss every dog & cat I have lost & I still cry at times, but then I remember some of the brilliant times we had together & my current furkids come & comfort me. Even my cats know when I'm down & offer comfort.

I lost my dad two years ago next Feb, I miss him so much & we had such good times together with the dogs.

In time you will be ready to have another dog

Was it today; yesterday; a week; a month ago?
There are no days; there are no nights since my furchild died.
I reach to pet my furry friend who is no longer here.
My heart is broken; my arms are empty; how many tears I've cried.

I leave the house, into the lane we always walked together.
The rain is falling. I notice not. Just more tears on my face.
She used to lead me down the lane. Her spirit leads me still.
But we go a different way to a very strange and different place.

I stand before a rustic bridge I've never seen before.
I stop. I know I'm not to cross. But why, I want to know.
And then the rain suddenly stops. I look up into the clouds.
I look down. The bridge is gone and in its place is a rainbow.

I look across the Rainbow Bridge and see a joyful sight;
Thousands of healthy furchildren playing with my beloved pet.
I want to run and love her, but I'm rooted to the spot.
She looks and wags her tail and I hear her bark, "Not yet."

And then her bark turns to a voice and I hear her say,
"You cared for me, you played with me and loved me to the end.
I'm healthy now, don't cry for me. I'll meet you here again.
Others need your love and care. I'm sending you a friend."

I rub my eyes and the rainbow is again a rustic bridge.
I send a prayer for that quick glimpse to the loving God above.
I hear a noise and glance back down. I can't believe my eyes.
Across the bridge, my darling pet sent a furbaby for me to love.

I pick up the furry bundle, hold her close to my dampened cheek.
She nuzzles my neck, kisses my tears. It's true love at first sight.
Not to replace the one who's gone; another who needs my love and care.
My eyes are drawn upward to see a Rainbow Bridge in radiating light.

by Jean L. Mowry-Everett

Please do not for one minute think you did the wrong thing!!!!!
Quite the contrary,you did it because you loved her and didnt want to see her suffer any more.
I had to do the exact same thing just three weeks ago for my Beautiful girl,and although the pain never goes away it does get easier.
You yourself will know when the time is right to have another Dog to share your love with,but if i were you i would just give yourself a little time to come to terms with losing madi first,as its all too raw at the moment.
She will know just how much you loved her and you have done her the biggest kindness by not allowing her to suffer.
The people on here all know what its like and are a great source of comfort,so please know you are not alone!!!
Regards     jonelle

Ahhh soo sad and I really feel for you.  Think how lucky you have been to have had your special girl for 14 years.  I have an Akita bitch who I hope I will be lucky enough to have for that amount of time.
Don't feel bad, it sounds as though your girl had a very special owner looking after her and loving her for those 14 years.
Maybe when the time is right your girl will be looking down on you when you choose a new puppy and she'll make sure you get one that you'll have another wonderful time with.
Thinking of you.

so sad hi i know what you are going through we also had to have our beautiful girl p.t.s last wednesday , no illness  nothing just all of a sudden took a massive heart atttack and stroke she was nearly 11 years old and just a half an hour before was as fit as a fiddle playing etc this must be the worse we have had with no signs  before hand i dont know what the answers are all i know its going to take me a long time to get over this, but i am glad there was no long term pain/discomfort and she went with some dignity even though it was the worse pain i had felt and little did i know what the end of a beautiful day would bring. so so sorry for your loss i suppose in time the heartache gets lesser.

I lost Gemma 4th December 2007 (yes I am dreading thursday)
It took me several months to be 'me' again and even then I had to have something to take my time and  look forward to (for me it was a marathon that I had to train for)
You will move on.
Although nearly a year on I still have the pic of Gemma as my desktop and her ashes are still on my mantel piece.
You manage to move on but you never forget
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Lea

all the best and happy  memories  of your gemma for you on thursday so sorry you lost your gemma its awful isnt it?  time goes so quick and such a bad time of the year when you are suppose to be merry i have not and i dont intend to  get involved with xmas this year my other half shall have to do it i am just so depressed at the moment wondering what ifs ,i thought that i would be well use to this bye now  but hey no if anything its worse than the previous different dogs, different circunstances, i suppose even though i still have a pain in my heart for the others that have been and gone from our lives.

Molly, I hope you can get through Xmas better than I did last year.
Even people I know on forums actually commented when I started to feel 'myself' again.
Not that I told anyone, they could just see it in my posts
It sounds as if I am going off topic, but I hope saying all these things will help the OP that you can get through this time
xxxxxx
Lea

lea, thankyou very much sometimes thats what we need to hear, that other people are feeling the loss just as much as ourselves, i shall do my best but i cant stop thinking of my bella , but i have to do it for the kids thanks again and all the best to you shall be thinking of you on thursday, god bless.

Thanks Molly,
I also have kids and had to get through Xmas. I did all my xmas shopping in one day and just couldnt be bothered.
But I managed it
So just keep going for your kids, you will only get out of this when you can There are no time limits.
Lea

It is unbearable, the pain you have when you have lost a dog.  But remember that sometimes the kindest things we need to do, are often the hardest.  You sent your baby on a journey to Rainbow Bridge, not because you didnt love her, but because you loved her to much to force her to stay. 

I think also that because a dog is yours and you have to decided to PTS that much loved animal it does hurt a lot. A parent dying there is no "control" over their death you had to make the decision to let her go, you did not have to take the decision to let your Dad go.
Im afraid only time is the real healer, you will know when to get a pup, you cant let all that love that you hold go to waste! But, grieve for your friend, and know that all of us here know how it feels to lose a beloved pup, its what makes us all "good and loving people".
I always look at Rianbow Bridge every Monday and dread a new entry cause it maens heartache for someone thats the problem of our 2 score and 10 and dogs so so short lifetime, but what fun you had living that time.

Thank you to everyone for such kind and lovely words.  I'm still having to do things with tears running down my face.  I can't see half the time because of it.  I pulled out photographs of her yesterday and am going to make a little memorial box, with some of things in it.  I know she is running free.....I just can't feel it at the moment. I can't wait for the day to see that in my mind, to know she is happy, wagging her tail and looking at me again with her big questioning brown eyes.

I've decided to wait before I get another puppy.  I want to honour her memory, like she deserves and not just try and ease the pain.  Words can't describe how I love her or how much this pain hurts but I know you will all understand what I mean.  I haven't been out the house since Wednesday because I can't stop crying.  I am going to try today.  I have to pick myself up and maybe when I go for a walk, she will be there with me again.

I am so sorry to hear the anniversary of Gemma is approaching.  I hope you have the time to feel her around you.

I wonder why we do it to ourselves but then if we didn't we wouldn't have the wonderful experience of such pure and unconditional love........

To my beautiful Madi at Rainbow Bridge, I love you more than I know how to say.......

So sorry to hear of your loss, I hope it will become easier to deal with as the weeks pass.  Try to remember the good times you had with her & all the happy memories you're bound to have.  If Madi was suffering you did the right thing & don't think you let her down, to keep her alive & in pain would have been letting her down, you always had her best intentions at heart I'm sure of this.  Hope to see your CD name change & hearing of your puppy tales soon!

You did the kindest thing for Madi, she is now free from pain, I understand how heartbroken you are because she was your very special girl and you loved her, it is hard but you did the right thing,
Run free at the bridge Madi xxx

Molly, I am so sorry for you and know the kind of pain it causes.  I will send a wish for you too, wherever it may go, that our girls are having some fun together xx in my thoughts xx

It is a week today that I had to have my beautiful Madi PTS.  It still doesn't feel real.  Is that normal?  My sobbing has stopped although the pain hasn't subsided.  I've put pictures up around the house so I can see her wherever I walk.  I will probably get a call in the next few days to pick her ashes up, no doubt this will set me off again.  I keep checking the back door.  I don't know why, I haven't unlocked it since last week but it's like I want to let her in.  My cats keep staring out the cat flap as she used to knock on it when she wanted to come in.  Sometimes I think I have heard her do this, as have the cats as they go running to it like they used to. 

I bought a little heart for my key ring and had her name and dates engraved on it.  The engraver cried when I told him who it was for.  He lost his dog 6 years ago and still seems so upset.  I am so glad to have found this site and people who understand the loss I feel. 

Yes it is normal.
I was on hold until I picked up her ashes, thinking that after I had picked them up it would be closure. Nope, I still felt the same.
Just take each day at a time. Thats all you can do.
I didnt move the bed that Gemma died on for a week. just hoovered round it. It didnt feel right to move it.
Her collar is still on the neck of my bear on my windowsill. And in the April I took her dog tags with me to run the marathon with me.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Lea

> It is a week today that I had to have my beautiful Madi PTS.  It still doesn't feel real.  Is that normal?

Yes, it's normal.
I had my old dog PTS just over 2 months ago, it doesn't feel so 'raw' now, but I still find that I will come in and wonder why he isn't there to greet me. It's the silly little things that get to me, he always ate supermarket food, so whenever I'm shopping I can't look at the dog food because it makes me so upset, it reminds me that he's dead
I never kept his ashes, I kept his collar on the living room door but I had to move it from there as it would start my youngest boy off, my boys grew up with the dog and he gets so upset and misses him terribly

I've never felt guilty for having him PTS, I'm glad he's at peace, but he's left a huge hole behind. It's going to choke me up at Christmas because he would be so exited and loved ripping open his present, just thinking about this brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes

>He lost his dog 6 years ago and still seems so upset.

I don't think we ever get over the loss of a loved one, we just learn how to remeber thier life instead of thier death.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Madi
xxxx
xxx

Thank you Lea and Mastifflover, it helps to know it gets better and what I am feeling is normal.

I know what you mean about the little things.  Madi loved it when I went shopping as I always bought her a treat.  She would sniff each bag in excitement.  I went shopping yesterday and really missed her wagging tail and excited sniffs when I brought all the shopping in.  She also loved to rip open her presents and make chaos on the floor with the paper.  I think she thought she was being naughty but we never saw it as that.

I'm glad the 'rawness' eases.  I am on annual leave this week but go back to work on Monday so I do need to pull myself together with it all.  Noone at work owns a dog so I doubt they will understand.

I am so sorry for your loss and am so thankful you have been able to share them with me.

I hope we all get through Christmas with happier memories. 

Thank you so much, this place really is a comfort

xxxxxxxxx

A week is nothing at all, still very early days, i lost my baby girl of 13 months just 10 weeks ago and still havent had a single day without tears.

Though very different circumstances, i went through all what you have described, but more feeling of guilt as my girl was a baby so i question my decision every day.  You definately done right by your girl and take comfort from the fact that your had so many very happy years together and what you did for her was what a really true loving owner does when they know it is the kindest choice.

i do understand totally your emotions, my girl 'Abbey' is on rainbow bridge too so feel free to read through if it helps to know that the feelings your having and the thoughts your thinking are all very normal. Absolutely anything and everything sets me off crying all the time!

I hope your pain begins to subside soon, i dont believe mine ever will due to the guilt i feel but you certainly have no reason for that emotion as all you did was love your Madi

People on this site were very supportive to me and sometimes it helps to talk it through with people who genuinely understand what you are going through.

Best wishes
Mandy x

Yes, the rawness eases but there is still a sense of loss that may well stay with you for a really long time. I lost my Shola on the 10th July this year, I still have many 'moments' when waves of tears overtake me. It doesn't matter that there are four others here and now I have a puppy that is her great granddaughter who will be 14 weeks old tomorrow. The puppy keeps me busier and I can honestly say that up to the date of picking the puppy up I cried every single day for my loss. However, things are improving but each day is different. A week is a very short time and I dare say you will have many tearful days to come. We miss them so much.

I brought Madi's ashes home yesterday.  What a shock to see my big beautiful girl in a tiny little box!  We took her for a walk along the seafront.  She hasn't been able to have one of those for a couple years and it felt really good to be able to give her that after seeing her struggle on a ten minute walk up the road and back.  I have made a place for her in the lounge with her favourite things and a photo so I can always see her and she can see me.

I've gone on the waiting list for a puppy in May/June.  I thought this would give us time to come to terms with our loss and to puppy-proof everything in the flat and garden!  I am looking forward to it, having a little bundle of joy that we can work with and love again.  You are so right about the tears, they come everyday and I am sure they won't stop for a while yet.  Even though I have sobbed and sobbed, it still doesn't feel real yet but then as you say, a week is such a short time.  It has gone very quickly yet feels like a lifetime.  How strange grief is.....

Everyone here has been so kind and it really has been a place of solace.  Thank you to everyone xx

I really know that feeling of disbelief when you see your precious baby in a box!

My girl has pride of place above my fireplace with a supersized picture of her when she was happy, it is tough to deal with but think of all those years you had, i would have given anything to have just a couple more years with my beautiful baby and though i have felt like my world has collapsed and the pain of my decision has been unbearable, i wouldn't swop those precious 12 months i had with her for anything in the world. Memories are something that will never leave you.

Take Care x

Thanks Mandy.  It is so hard isn't it but we have to remember, we loved them so much and we did what our hearts told us was the best for them, however young or old they were.  I've printed off pictures of her and put them all round my flat so I can see her whenever I walk past.  I am so sorry the pain your decision has caused you, but it is so clear how much you loved your baby and that you did what was the right thing to do.  They told me two years ago that Madi had cancer (on her front elbow joint) and that I could have her leg amputated.  I chose not to have this done because she had arthritis really bad in her two back legs too.  Such a big dog like Madi wouldn't have carried her weight on one good leg and her quality of life would have been so poor....I couldn't see her go through that because I love her so unconditionally, as you did your baby.  Such a heart-breaking decision we have to make but we do it with all the love our hearts can feel.  For that, we should never feel guilty (even if by we actually do!).

I wish I could give you a massive hug..... xx

I feel for your loss.
One year ago, I PTS my Loving Joy, and at times it is still really hard.  Like your Madi, she was the dog that was always there for me, when my moods where unbearable from lossing both my parents in the time I had her.  She was my strength like your Madi was for you.  I can say you do get where you can laugh at the memories of her antics that mad  her, her.
Take you time, let yourself grieve and in your heart you will know when the time is right, and the right dog comes along to share your love and joy with.

Jan

I think your doing very well. In the fact that you can deal with putting photos up of Madi around the house.
We had our 5yrd old Lab pts a few weeks ago now and its still raw. My father covered up the pictures of Bentley and has only just uncovered them now.
It is so very hard and it sounds like she lived a very full filling life and getting to 14 is a credit to you and your other half.
What i found in time which helped ease the pain was writing down all the great times that you had with her, this helped ease the pain with me and now i can recall what he looked like before he went into the vets. Before i did this all i could see was him ill and swollen up like a Sharpei cross.

In having other dogs in the house i couldn't just sit and wallow in my grief, i still had to be strong for the pack and deal with them, even then it was on autopilot for the first few weeks.

RIP Madi..

Thank you to you both for sharing your losses with me.  It makes me so sad that we all have to go through it.  If only they could out live us, but life isn't like that is it....

Jan - I am so sorry for the loss of your parents and your Loving Joy.  I know how hard both losses are and really do feel the loss you feel, especially as the one beautiful creature who was there for you has now passed over too.  Such companions we have lost.

I think having other dogs in the house must be a wonderful thing but at the same time, I know it means you have to go on auto pilot.  I was lucky in that I had a weeks annual leave to take.  I called it my 'Madi Week' and everyone at work knew I would take it when the time came.  I carried it over for the past two years, not knowing when that time would come.

I have two devon rex cats who somehow make it easier because they make me smile when I am tearful.   My little boy cat was with Madi for a year before we got his little sister so he was so attached to her and loved to curl up in her big warm belly (I'm not sure Madi was as happy with it!). 

I wonder when the rawness eases.....I miss her so much everyday and it really is the little things.  I used to moan about the 5.30 a.m walks, especially with it being so dark but I would do them a million times over just to have her back so I could see her lovely eyes and feel her soft thick fur and velvet ears.

I am so sorry you lost your lab at five years, that is so so young.  It scares me now to have another dog, the thought of having to go through all this again and lose such a friend and part of my family.  I am taking the advice so kindly given on this site and just allowing myself to mourn Madi before I think about a puppy.  I think my reaction initially was to replace the loss, divert the pain and try to focus on something else but I realised, thanks to everyone here, that I need to mourn my beautiful girl before I can truly appreciate the joys of a puppy again.  I want to honour her memory in my heart and give her the time she so so deserves before I share my love again. 

I know she is happy and painfree now and when I have seen her in my thoughts, she looks more beautiful and youthful than her last few years allowed.

Run free Bentley, Joy and Madi......always in our hearts, always.

Is that Madi in your avatar?? I love the look of the Akita and admire them very much. Stunning dog in the photo if it is her!!

{{{Huge Hugs}}}

Do what you need to do for you and what is right in your heart and head.. You never know that come next year you'll be up for having a new pup in the house, only time will tell and you can let the breeder know nearer the time if you change your mind.

hi there i believe that knowing the right time to let your animals rest is a test to your understanding of them, i had a 18 yr old mongrel dog called scruff who i had to let go of it took a very long time to feel complete after loosing him but then five years ago i lost a two yr old involved in a car accident, when we lost the last dog my husband left the house and returned the same day with a collie he had seen in the pound when he was working there the day before it hurt me so much that i could hardly look at the collie for nearly a year (but dramatic i know but i am emotion!!!) i have got over that now and we rescue dogs now specialise in aggressive dogs but i was given this peom by a mate don't know the writter but get your tissues ready!
IF IT SHOULD BE
if it should be that i grow weak
and pain should keep me from my sleep
then you must do what must be done
for this last battle can't be won
you will be sad i understand
don't let your grief then stay your hand
for this day more than all the rest
your love for me must stand the test
we've had so many happy years
what is to come can hold no fears
you'd not want me to suffer so
the time has come please let me go
take me where my needs they'll tend
and stay with me until the end
hold me firm and speak to me
until my eyes no longer see

i lost my horse in april to an evil illness and even reading this out to write it i'm welling up!!! i hope it helps anyway so sorry to hear of your loss

Bless you.  My little mate Buster died in September through warfarin poisoning.  I was totally devastated.  The trouble is the bottom has fallen out of your world.  People who don't have dogs just won't understand, they smile at you sweetly but cannot begin to understand your loss.  You will get through this.  Time does not heal everything but it changes and develops your emotions.  At the moment things are so raw for you but you must give yourself time to grieve.  Allow yourself that.  Over a few weeks you will still miss him but in a different way, you will start to remember him fondly and smile or shed a little tear instead of crying inconsolably.  The pain will still be there but it will change into pleasant memories - you won't just remember the end but also the excellent times before xx

Thank you for the poem, it made me cry but more tears of overwhelming love than anything else.  I am so sorry for your loss.  This is such a wonderful place to share our losses and everyone is so supportive.

The picture in my avatar is my beautiful girl, a few years ago before she was diagnosed with the cancer.  She was as beautiful in temperament as she was stunning to look at.  I love Akitas.  I know they've had bad press but anyone could get on their knees with Madi and nuzzle into her face lovingly.  She patiently allowed the cats to climb all over her and she would take a grape from my mouth without the touch of a whisker.  What a beautiful personality she was, calm, loving, gentle and the softest bear I could ever ask for.  I don't know if I could ever have another Akita for that reason.  I wonder if I would be comparing all the time.  I was brought up with dogs but she was my first as an individual, as an adult.

Her loss has left such an emptiness.  I still open my front door and expect to see her there but I am glad she is no longer in pain.  Now when I look back I realise she must have been silently in pain for a while but I always thought, as long as she wagged her tail when I picked up her lead, and banged her bowl when she enjoyed my cooking, she was still wanting to live.  Those last few days, her tail didn't wag when I said we were going for a walk and on her last day, I fed her big bowl of cooked chicken, which I don't think she even noticed.  They do tell us in their own way and you're right, knowing when, is our understanding of them.

My thoughts are with everyone who is remembering their loss this Christmas, and to those whose loss is still so raw.

I know Christmas day will be such a sad day, remembering Madi especially, as I carve the turkey and can't share it with her, or the cuddles and the day, with my beautiful precious little girl.....

xx