In need of some independent advice here so please bear with me & be honest...

My parents split up about this time last year, it hasn't been easy & just of late there's been a lot of arguing, name calling etc going off however so far they've kept me & my brother out of it.  Me & OH have also had a very busy year with planning a wedding & selling our house (looking to move end of Nov!!), but we have made frequent trips back up north to see the family & have kept in touch with everyone so they know where we are if they needs us. However my mum hasn't been coping all that well with the separation & is really down about the prospect of selling her home & moving etc etc so I thought that maybe she had enough on her plate with all this & have got on with planning the wedding.  I've asked her opinion on a few things, been to a few wedding fayres together etc but I've pretty much got on with it. 

One of my bridesmaids came to visit at the wknd & as she lives in Maidstone we don't get to see each other all that often so we thought we'd use the time together to try dresses on - wedding & bridesmaid.  I'm not happy at all with my body shape & was to be it blutnly sh***ing myself about trying a dress on, all the insecurities I try to bury came to the surface - I was terrified no dress would ever fit me, this is why I've tried to do everything but the dress.  But I know I've got to do it at some point & my friend is so good at calming me down & being very honest so  I thought she was a perfect choice to come along with me.  I hadn't planned on even finding a dress I liked, just to get a better idea about fit & style.  Anyway we went & it was fine, the lady in the shop was fab & I actually found a dress I quite liked (well I didn't want to take it of!) - Result!! We also went on to find some great BM dresse.

So I was really looking forward to ringing my mum & filling in her & trying to arrange a time for us to go back to the shop so she can see - I know it's important to her to be part of the dress shopping.  I rung her on Sunday morning & told her I'd tried a few on & had a better idea about styles etc & even before I could get round to saying when shall we go sopping she said I'm shutting her out of my life & I don't want her to be part of the wedding!!  I tried to talk to her (I was in total shock) but she was upset & wouldn't continue with the conversation.  I left it an hour or so & called her back, she was still upset but said she still felt the same, thinks I've no use for her anymore other than dog sitting & that my opinion of her has changed over the last 12 months.  I tried to tell her this wasn't true & that I hadn't involved her as much due to her own problems, I didn't want to add to the stress she is already under, but she wouldn't listen to me.  I told her several times how much I love her & need her in my life, I see as more of a best friend than a mum but I'm not sure she believes me.

Anyway we weren't really getting anywhere over the phone so I made arrangements with work to have this afternoon off & I was going to travel up to see mum to talk it over.  Sent her a text to see if she was free but she is studying French Weds evenings so couldn't do it, then she sent another text saying I don't need to travel all that way (120 mile round trip) to talk about, we can discuss it later & not to worry about it.  Well obviously I am worrying about it & I 've hardly slept the past few nights & have got a pounding in my chest which I think is anxiety.

What do I do?  This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life but at the moment I feel horrible, how can she think I don't want her to be part of my life, I ring her at least once a week often will send her flowers or little handmade cards just to cheer her up.  I know she's going through a really tough time & I thought I was doing the right thing - please help!!

So sorry this is such a long post, I just need some impartial advice at the minute before I go crazy!!

It's great you found a dress that you like

When I was planning my wedding I was so shocked at how hard it is trying to keep everybody happy. In the end I had a blazing row with my sister, who was going to be my bridesmaid, she told me to 'stick it', my dad (who brought me & sis up on his own so we were all very close) sided with my sis and they didn't speak to me until 1 week before the wedding, needless to say I to had to find another bridesmaid.  I was upset at first, but soon came round to thinking it was my day, if other people are selfish enough to try to spoil it for me that's thier problem, not mine!!
I generally try to please everybody, but I thought on my wedding day I deserved to be the one everybody else was trying to please, it didn't happen that easy, I had to be the one who made sure I was going to have a great day!

I am sorry that your mum and dad are splitting up, but your mum is a grown woman and shouldn't be taking her problems out on you, especially over the biggest, happiest day of your life. Please try not to let anybody put a dampner on your wedding, or the wedding plans. By all means talk to her and explain your side, but don't let her make you feel bad about ejoying your day and doing what you feel is the right thing.

i agree with mastifflover that she is a grown woman and shouldnt be taking it out on you....

HOWEVER... who is perfect? she is going through a divorce and losing her home and she most likely thinks when your married she will be losing her little girl.
she may be depressed and the anger pointed at you unnecassarily. but sometimes we do that dont we? i wouldnt take it personally but maybe organise if you can just a girly weekend
where she can tell you everything she is feeling face to face about her split etc.. and you can discuss things about your wedding.

When me and my brother moved out my mum suffered terrible empty nest syndrome, to the point that she developed a bad drinking problem, i suspect your mum is feeling very redundant her role of mum has gone(in some respects) and now her role as wife, we all have times when our lives seem to be going down the pan and others seem to be on the up and you probably caught her at a low point when you told her about the dress.
Your mum probably will be feeling very guilty about how she acted and a little embarrased, its funny but nobody warns us about the fact that at some point in our lives the roles reverse and we start feeling like the parents.

Hope everything works out for you XX

The others have all spoken a lot of sense.
You are the main event! It is your wedding, however she really is just jealous as I know I would be too.
So you must relax she will get over it and probably feel bad about herself and her reaction to you as wel. 
I also agree a special girly thing for you and her together would be fantastic.

Karen

ps; great news about the dress!

> When I was planning my wedding I was so shocked at how hard it is trying to keep everybody happy

It really is isn't? I imagined it would be the happiest time of your life & every aspect of it would be filled with fun & happiness - how wrong could I have been

> I also agree a special girly thing for you and her together would be fantastic.

Yeah I agree with this, we definitely need to meet up if not just to clear the air.  We should hopefully be moving house at the end of this month & I wasn't going to ask my mum to help (too many other thing etc) but bearing in mind Sunday's comments do you think I should ask her to help us move or would she think I was just asking because of what she said????

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, it really helps & I appreciate it.

>> I also agree a special girly thing for you and her together would be fantastic.
> Yeah I agree with this, we definitely need to meet up if not just to clear the air.  We should hopefully be moving house at the end of this month & I wasn't going to ask my mum to help (too many other thing etc) but bearing in mind Sunday's comments do you think I should ask her to help us move or would she think I was just asking because of what she said????

is there any way you can go up there?? it will be on her ground and your old home so will be comfortable for both of you and there will be no dog or husband distractions. you can both go for a meal and go shopping without the worry of others around listening

> do you think I should ask her to help us move or would she think I was just asking because of what she said????
>
>

Ask her to help you anyway, even if she does think you are only doing it becasue of what she said. If she agrees to help it will make the perfect opportunity to have a chat with her, it always seems easier to talk about things like this when it's not planned as a 'lets sort it out' discussion

> always seems easier to talk about things like this when it's not planned as a 'lets sort it out' discussion

That's what I thought, I hate the preplanned conversations with things like this, I tend to over analyse things before & get myself into a state.

I'll ask her & see what she says.  With the moving etc we haven't really got any free time for me to go back home for a wknd at the minute, might see about an afternoon off if she can't/doesn't want to help with the move as don't want to leave things too long.

Thanks again! I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Poor you, she is feeling extremely vulnerable and very insecure right now, sometimes we can't do right for doing wrong when someone is feeling that way it doesn't take much to offend them.

Bless you, you are trying to not put pressure on her by doing things yourself, that is considerate of you but then I guess your mum is feeling that it is the biggest day of yours and also her life, (her little girl is all grown up and mothers and daughters often plan the wedding together) weddings are big things for all the family, (and you thought it was just about you nope!) often a lot of upset can be caused particularly with divorced parents and often between the in-laws as to who does what, weddings are often a bit like a way of indirectly showing love and importance to each family member, everything is remembered from who stood where in the photo's to who was given flowers and something of importance to do on the day, who was sat where the list goes on, along with all the stress and worry you are having to pamper to everyones emotional needs too, you often have to tread on tippy toes with relatives too.   Who said weddings were easy.

However, your mum will be easy to sort out, I think you can take it that your mum wants to be made to feel important and be the one helping her daughter here so let her, you know mothers and daughters you both need each other.

Can you not invite her to stay with you for the weekend and have her go shopping with you, trying on your dress and listen to her opinion? Ask her what she thinks about your hair, confide in her your insecurities about your body shape, (and have her telling you, you are of course speaking nonsense ) tell her your worries, just something to make her feel she is special to you, it probably won't take much for you both to feel back on track again.

I know that it is the last thing you need with everything else your sorting out, but given the circumstances of a newish divorce here, you'll need to also cover the emotional stress from your family and pamper to their needs too, just to make sure on the wedding day you can smile the whole day through as you have also taken care of their emotional needs.

Good luck!

Blimy this is a real shame. Especially as you are obviously upset at what should be a happy time for you.

Your Mum feels redundant as a wife and mother, and she is (to a degree) thinking of herself and her problems rather than you and your big day! However all is not lost I think that you really need to send her some flowers and a card to show her how much you love her and ask for her support.

I know what it feels like when they leave home, and your alone, added to the pain of a recent divorce I bet she is really beating herself up and feeling angry with everything and everyone. Thats not an excuse for what could be seen as rather childish behaviour, on her part.

I think sometimes the sorry (even if its not your fault) is the way forward. However I did not get on well with my Mum but she was with me when I picked my dress (twice) or I knew I would never hear the end of it, my best mate came as well. (read your post you do the flowers already!!)

She's not perfect but I think maybe your OH could explain how upset you are and act as peacemaker, I found talking to my Mum I often dug a bigger hole than I was already in but my BF was a great diplomat.  You need a bit of help, you both do as you are to close to the problem IMO.

May be also a bit of apprehension of having to be on the top table with her divorced OH as well? call in reinforcements and have a big stiff drink! Good luck.

Your mum to me sounds as though she may be suffering severely with depression and needs help.  I'm sure she doesn't mean what she's saying, is there anyone close by to her that you can have a discussion with and see what their experiences have been with her recently?

Hope it all gets sorted out soon.

As the others have said, poor you. Weddings, funerals, family get togethers are normally stressful in one way or another. Be assured you are not alone and many people understand. I have recently had a bereavement, thought I was acting in the best interests of the family to find another relative not wanting to take on any of the work but just quietly sulk about how I had handled it!!
You have written the details very clearly so why not write to Mum. Tell her exactly how you feel, tell her you are confused about how much involvement she wanted and you acted the way you have in respect of her feelings. I always find puitting it down on paper easier as then I don't get hysterical, upset and turn it into a lecture (which according to my daughter I do!!!)

Can you get some photos of the dress and send it to her, make up a few questions so she can give her opinion/advice and then she will feel valued.
Hope it works out well for you. 

> Can you not invite her to stay with you for the weekend and have her go shopping with you, trying on your dress and listen to her opinion? Ask her what she thinks about your hair, confide in her your insecurities about your body shape, (and have her telling you, you are of course speaking nonsense ) tell her your worries, just something to make her feel she is special to you, it probably won't take much for you both to feel back on track again.
>

Spoke to OH last night about it & this is the route I'm going to take, I think it might be a bit diffuclt at first but I can't let things go on as they are.

Thanks again for the words of wisdom Carrington & Whistler.

Hi guys

Just wanted to say a huge thank you again for your sound advice, I've asked mum to help with the move & she said she'd love to help!! Result!!  Still a way to go yet I think but progress has been made, as soon as I've got a free wknd I'm going to head up north & make sure we clear the air & then hopefully buy a wedding dress!!

Back to the fun stuff then - anyone wanna see the dress I've seen I like???

Dress

WOW !!!

that is gorgeous, just the kind of dress i can imagine getting married in if OH ever asks me, (might leave the computer on so he gets the hint)

Thanks bernesebaby! I do really like it, it's a little over budget though so I think I need to explore other designers etc first! Very exciting time!!