Hi

my 10 yr old son is off school today with a tummy bug, i had the same bug last week and went back to work this morning. Luckly my oh was home this morn and going out after i got home at lunchtime so i didnt have to miss work.

Being totally selfish i was really looking forward to taking the dogs for a lovely long walk this afternoon they havnt been out much with me being ill. I was moaning at work that my plans had changed and i would have to wait till either oh came home or daughter came in from school by which time it would be getting dark.    i was totally gobsmacked by the number of people who said to leave son alone in house and walk the dogs.

There is no way i would do this, as much as i love my dogs my sons well being comes first. He is a very sensible 10 yr old so i have no fears he would get up to anything wrong but i would worry someone undesirable would come to the door whilst he was alone.  Even though he would be told not to open the door to strangers the way our front door and sitting room window are situated you cant hide.

As it turns out he is feeling ok so shortly we are going to wrap up warm and both take dogs out.

But what would others do and do you think i am being over protective ?

Thanks

i feel the same as you about leaving them at this age, especially when ill but i've always been over protective about them going out to play etc.
i think theirs a big difference between popping out for 5 mins than being away for a while walking.
i'm stuck at home too as my daughter has the flu and anyway she's only 7 so too young to leave anyway. my poor dogs could really do with a walk but their have to wait till my husband gets home and then it will be a lead walk in the dark.

My son is 11 and is now starting to get annoyed when i have to go out and theirs no one home and he has to come with me, even if its a quick trip to supermarket for something iv forgot,
he says to me "mummy i think im big enough to stay home on my own now"
Arrrrr but i just cant do it, what if someone knocks and they are coaxed into opening the door to a stranger i just wouldnt feel safe leaving him alone,
he also wants to walk home from school alone ands made the same coments about that latley,
he only started secondary September and it is a Special needs school as he is Autistic , but he is a very trusting kid and we live in a very bad area a young boy was stabbed and killed across the road from my sons school few years ago and the thought of my son taking the same route where the boy was stabbed, (which he would have to do to get home)i just cant ever see myself letting him come home alone NEVER!!

Lumphy, I'm not sure there are any hard and fast rules about the right age.  There can be huge differences between children and certainly between the ages of 8 and 14 their chronological age can be several years adrift of their emotional age.  There are also quite big gaps between gender and vast differences in upbringing and environment, to say nothing about the parents fears and anxieties!!

Phew - it's a wonder we ever grown up at all BUT you'll know when the time is right.  It will probably start with 10 minutes, whilst you walk to the postbox and over the following months you'll allow a little longer each time.  It sometimes depends on the time of day too, I used to feel a bit more comfortable during the day time and also when I knew my neighbours were home.  In fact I'd often tell them just so they could be aware.  My two were briefed on not answering the door or the telephone unless it was us, but it takes a while (years) to feel reasonably relaxed about leaving them!!

The next worry is the later teenage years when it's alcohol and secret house parties, if not your house then someone elses.  I'm not looking forward to that... 

Nope I didnt leave mine until a lot older without someone in the house.
Also one I had was really sensible at 12 ish the other was hopless until about 15.

I dont know about never but I will give you one statistic the majority of vehicle accidents on school days is male between 12 -16.

We should be out there teaching them how to walk to school and how to cross a road not be a taxi service.

In your case I would not let him be home alone until a bit older but if he could walk with friends I would possibly allow that (only you can make that decision).

Is there any other parents around you that has any other child at your school?

My boys are 10 & 11 yrs old (eldest started secondary school this Sept.). Since the spring (when they were 9 & 10 yrs old) I would leave them in the house while walking the dog, before then we had talked about it, but they weren't happy with the idea, so I only left them when they agreed it woul dbe fine.

They are allowed to play down the road by thierselfs, which I think is a lot more dangerous than being left in the house for 45 mins, however I wouldn't leave my youngest (10yrs) alone as he is not as mature as my eldest was at that age.
I think it really depends on your son and how mature you think he is and how reliable he is at following instructions. Eg. my boys know, if they are in the house on thier own, they must never answer the door to anybody, I can trust my eldest to keep to this rule and to remind his brother to do the same, but I know my youngest, if on his own, would get too excited about the thought of a friend calling for him that he would answer the door. I lock the doors so nobody can get in, but if need be my boys can get out.

I was so nervous when I first left my boys on thier own, but after a few times I wondered what I was making a big deal over.

> But what would others do and do you think i am being over protective ?

No, you're not being over-protective, you are being a caring mum that sees the danger in everything - that is a good thing, but we have to learn to let our kids grow up, and it's hard to see just how grown up they are sometimes.
It's tricky isn't it when they start getting older, everybody has thier own way of doing things so you always get a mixed response. What it comes down to is doing what YOU feel is right

i was totally gobsmacked by the number of people who said to leave son alone in house and walk the dogs.


Nope wouldn't catch me doing that, if one of my sons was ill and at home the dog/s were taken by my mum or one of my brothers for a walk, or left to watch over my son whilst I took the dogs.

HI

Thanks, i didnt think i was being over protective.  He does walk home from school himself and he plays out with his friends. But to me in the house alone is to much.

Sad thing is its not him i dont trust, He is a very sensible boy and i could trust him to stay alone and not to get up to anything. Its someone coming to the door or a fire breaking out. I know a bit ott but i would never forgive myself if something happened.

We went for a nice walk this afternoon and tomorrow he will be back at school yippee lol.

> He is a very sensible 10 yr old so i have no fears he would get up to anything wrong but i would worry someone undesirable would come to the door whilst he was alone. 

I don't even have any children, and 100% agree your decision.  I don't consider it OTT.  It is what I consider to be a normal, caring, and loving decision.  You would never, ever forgive youself if some bozo broke in while your boy was alone.

There is no hard and fast rule. I spoke to the police about this a few years ago as my neighbour was leaving her daughters alone regularly as she went to work. they were 12 and 10 years old. The police stated that as long as they were sensible, and didn't get into trouble, then they were happy with this. They then went on to say that girls could be left at 10, if the parents felt like they were mature enough, but they recommended that boys be at least 12 as boys mature slower than girls. However, I have recently heard of a mother who left her 15 year old daughter at home so that she could go to work. There a small fire in the kitchen and the mother was going to be charged with child abandonment.

My daughter is left at home (15 year old) so that I can take my dogs out/go shopping, but I always have a neighbour(s) keeping an eye out. Daughter also knows that she can go to several neighbours if there is a problem. Good neighbours are worth their weight in gold

> There is no hard and fast rule. I spoke to the police about this a few years ago as my neighbour was leaving her daughters alone regularly as she went to work. they were 12 and 10 years old. The police stated that as long as they were sensible, and didn't get into trouble, then they were happy with this. They then went on to say that girls could be left at 10, if the parents felt like they were mature enough, but they recommended that boys be at least 12 <IMG alt="eek" src="/images/eek.gif"/> <IMG alt="" src="/images/default/sml_wnk.png" class="sml"/> as boys mature slower than girls. However, I have recently heard of a mother who left her 15 year old daughter at home so that she could go to work. There a small fire in the kitchen and the mother was going to be charged with child abandonment.
>

If you want to go with the law then it is worth checking up properly.
Not that I dont trust the police, just too many years association  makes me wary. actual law and a policmans opinion are quite different.
Karen

I believe that is the case LindyLou.  I can only comment for Scotland as I usually get jumped on by people in England on here when there is a difference in the law but there is no clarification in Scots law about the age a child can be left.  Parents will be prosecuted if anything happens to the child or if the circumstances could be deemed to cause harm or suffering to the child. 

I think this would go down as a wilful neglect prosecution and is why parents who leave their child for 10 mins to go to the shop are not prosecuted but those who go on holiday for a fortnight without the children often are.  Under Scots law the parent has to have made the assessment that the child is responsible enough to be left alone. 

In some ways I believe it is correct that there is no age given as children do mature differently and there are some 10 year olds who have more sense and maturity that other 15 year olds.  Like everything there is always a margin for error but the person who knows the child best has to make that judgement based on the information they have available to them at the time.

http://www.children1st.org.uk/shop/files/SPR-PUB-004.pdf edited to add link to children 1st leaflet outlining left children legalities etc

>there is no clarification in Scots law about the age a child can be left.

No, it's the same here too. The NSPCC site explains the position clearly.

Bearing in mind at 11 they are starting secondary school where they are very much encouraged to be independant and responsible it is worth building up the level of trust before that.
The way you train a pup to stay in the house alone   Start off by popping out for 5 minutes, then increase it until you can happily go out and leave children. Nowadays most people have mobiles so you can always be contacted.
Obviously there are rules of thumb not guidelines to be stuck to for everyone. It depends on situations and circumstance and how mature/behaved/trusted your child is

Scots law is so different at times, isn't it? I have had a few discussions with my brother over legal things. He is in Maidstone, whereas I'm in Angus.

I wouldn't leave my daughter alone if I didn't have neighbours I trusted to keep an eye on her. One neighbour will go and sit with her if I know I'm going to be away for long.

You're not OTT and you made the best decision.

My daughter when 8yrs informed me she was old enough to walk to school on her own and to take her 6 yr old brother with her so's I could stay at home with 4 yr old and not have the morning hassles !

Did I let her? Did I heck as like, savage little monster that she was and woe betide any body that approached the little baggage much as I needed her out of my hair in the mornings I still would not let them walk to school on their own.

Even at 12, 10 and 8 yrs I was still walking them to school because although the 12 yr old MAY have had enough sense to care for herself she could not watch out for the others.

Much as I love the dogs that I now have if I had them at the same time as the kids then the kids always have to come first.

Pinky you are so right, I hate it when children are given the huge responsibility of 'looking after' the younger ones.
It is just not fair to put that on them, with the best will in the world it simply is not fair.
Probably one of the things that really bugs me.
Karen

> Pinky you are so right, I hate it when children are given the huge responsibility of 'looking after' the younger ones.
>

This was the way ti always was in times past though.

I come from a large family and am the oldest girl.

I certainly remember being left in charge of my younger siblings while parents went shopping.

Not on my own but at not quite 12, I spent two weeks off school at home helping Dad look after the brother of 10, one of 6 and one of 4, cooking meals and washing clothes while Mum was in hospital having baby who was jaundiced so they were kept in until day 10.

In fact while he was visiting her one evening my brother got into a row, I belted him and ran for the bathroom, slammed it shut and he put his arm straight through the plate glass window.  He cut through the arteries in his arm with blood fountaining out.

My next door neighbour was called and was just about to take him to casualty as my Dad arrived home.

> Even at 12, 10 and 8 yrs I was still walking them to school because although the 12 yr old MAY have had enough sense to care for herself she could not watch out for the others.

You are evry lucky that the location of the schools lets you walk your children to school. I willl not allow my 10yr old to walk to school without me, but my 11yr old is now at secondry school, which is 2 miles away from the first school (each school 1 mile away from my house, in opposite directions). There is no way I can walk them both to school, so the eldesst has to go on his own. When my youngest goes up to secondry school next year, he will walk in with his brother keeping an eye on him, his brother will be more than capable. It really does depend on the children.

That 1 mile walk to school, past a busy road, with the risk of being grabbed by a pervert (there were recent warnings on that after an attempted snatch) is a lot more of a risk than being left at home, in his bedroom on the Xbox, for 45 mins (max) while I'm walking the dog at the field at the bottom of my street.

> Much as I love the dogs that I now have if I had them at the same time as the kids then the kids always have to come first.

If you don't want to leave your children to walk the dog then fine, thats great for you, but that does not mean that those of us that do leave our children (that we deem perfectly capeable of looking after thierselfs and maybe thier siblings, for a short time in thier own homes) are putting our dogs BEFORE our children.

ETA, before I thought my children would be fine being left home while I walked the dog, I walked the dog while they were playing out in the street on thier own, as the kids play on the edge of the field I walk the dog in. Before I let them play in the street on thier own, I had to walk the dog at school times or get somebody to sit with them. So leaving the kids while I walk the dog, is not about the DOG, it's about the kids growing up, as I am perfectly able to arrange baby-sitters, I just don't see the nedd for a short trip like that now my kids aare sensible enough to be on thier own.

As people have said, it all depends on the individual child. Their mental capabilities haven't changed for centuries, and it's not that long ago (certainly within living memory) that children could leave school at 14 and get a full-time job. They're still just as capable of learning about personal safety and common-sense as their grandparents and great-grandparents were.

How awful for you and your brother.
This just what I mean about responsibilities being unfair on children, thank heavens there was a neighbour!
No doubt you learned a life lesson, but I dont believe in burdening children unnecessarily.
Certrainly  I have tried to avoid this with my own BUT none of us are perfect and no doubt there have been times with my own that too has been the case.
Karen

Sad thing is its not him i dont trust, He is a very sensible boy and i could trust him to stay alone and not to get up to anything. Its someone coming to the door or a fire breaking out. I know a bit ott but i would never forgive myself if something happened

It's not even all the potential disasters that could go wrong in the home and there are plenty of those as you have outlined. There is also another side, what if something happened to you on the dog walk, what if you slipped and twisted/broke your leg/ankle? (has happend to many) What if the dog is attacked? Or you are attacked? What if you need to help someone else? These are all OTT scenarios and unlikely to happen, but they do happen, and another reason why I would not leave a sick child at home alone, being left in a panic after receiveing a phone call, whilst I was awaiting emergency services it is not something he/she needs. Or if I were knocked out or something, the child is left worrying where I was.

I would never leave a child that young without another adult there incase of a problem inside or outside the house to be there for the child.

My husband has always called me before and after dog walks even though I mainly walk with my mother (I did have a stalker once) but he likes to make sure I am home safe, after all we generally walk in secluded areas. I love my dog walks and the country air, but there is always a little worry in the back of my mind of things that could happen, I would never wish for a sick child home alone to have to cope with anything like that.

> As people have said, it all depends on the individual child. Their mental capabilities haven't changed for centuries, and it's not that long ago (certainly within living memory) that children could leave school at 14 and get a full-time job. They're still just as capable of learning about personal safety and common-sense as their grandparents and great-grandparents were.

Things have certainly changed over the last 100 years though, in 1901 (I think) my Grandfather was fighting in the Boer war in South Africa, he was 15 having lied about his age and joined up at 14.  I have no problem leaving my 14 year old at home alone while I'm out walking the dog going down the shop etc, she has a mobile and so do I and my OH so she can ring us if needed or in an emergency her sister or grandmother or some of our friends.

Yes I was very lucky that my children's schools were close enough together to allow me to walk with all of them each morning, and yes I agree all do not have this good fortune.

I did not have dogs when my children were small so I did not have the problem of the school run and the dog run, if I had then I would still have done the school run first and then walked the dogs when I got back, but then I was a mum at home at that time.

I have been the 10 year old walking my younger sisters to school back in the days when that's how it was, I have come home from school and started tea off because mum was at work nursing and dad at uni (mature student)

Different folks different strokes

I would have left my elder daughter alone for short periods (never at night) when she was 12 but the younger one only since she was 14, the elder one is just a tad more sensible . I'm quite lucky as my parents live in a granny flat right next door to us so the girls could be left alone without really being alone, but even then if we were away overnight my mum slept in our house or the girls slept in their spare room. My elder daughter was left completely on her own for two nights when she was 17, the younger one may never be

I can remember at the age of 12 being left at home at night with my 10 yr old and 8 yr old sister when my mum was 'on call' and dad away at uni, I was a very sensible girl, checking all doors, cooker switches, lights and window's and then not sleeping till mum came home, we never had any problems and it didn't do me any harm but I didn't want my 3 children to have to do the same thing, because I didn't really like it at that age.

coincidently this very subject was disscused on Loose Women today. Someone has written a article saying she leaves her 11yr old and 9 yr old twins when she nips out.  Didnt catch the name of the person.  opinion seemed to be against leaving them but they also said it depends on the maturity of the individual children.

There is no way i would leave a 11yr old in charge of anyone let alone 9yr old twins.  Shudder at the thought lol