How do I get through separating from my husband,my had is in a mess,to top it all he gets picked up for work at home and leaves the car here for the day,when he gets dropped off in the evening he gets into the car and drives to his mothers for the night we split up two weeks ago,I dont want him back,as I have been unhappy for a long time,

Sheila

Oh poor you !
You need time to grieve and get yourself straight .
Ask him to park the car somewhere else to get picked up so that you don't have a daily reminder .
Then write a list of things to do - i love a good list ! You need to get money , solicitor etc sorted
Be kind to yourself , eventhough you want this you may still have bad days .
Do you have friends and hobbies ?

Stick by your friends like St.Domingo says. 

My mum said something to me when I left my husband years ago, and it helped me.
'Do you miss him for him, or do you miss him like you would a walking stick you had been with for xx amount of years?????'
that has stuck with me after over 10 years and is so so sooooooo true
Good luck and stay strong.
Lea xxxxx

I am in tears writing this,I just feel so alone, i am a carer and should of been working tonight looking after a poorly man,while his wife gets a good nights sleep but I am in such a state I have just rang the agency to cancel.Got a feeling that husband is going to turn up thinking i will be out how sly is that.

thank you for replying

Oh what a tough time for you right now....are there are close friends or family members that you can rely on, do you have any kids?  I don't have experience of marriage breakups, but there is support out there if you want it. Try to keep positive & make some plans.     

> Got a feeling that husband is going to turn up thinking i will be out

Feel so sorry about your situation. If you stayed in the home and he walked out how about changing the locks to prevent him just waltzing in and out as he fancies, If he needs access do it by appointment and have a friend or relative there with you when he comes.

> how about changing the locks

My solicitor told me that it is against the law.  Although I did it anyway!

I asked him to leave as the situation was unbearable,yes I have 2 good friends they are supportive,as for family my mum passed away two years ago with breast cancer ,my brother died suddenly which leaves just my sister,she has recently had a bllood clot on her brain and needed surgery,was caused by a tennis ball,so dont want to cause her any worry as she is still recovering,thank goodness I have my Labs, he has not been in contact atall tonight,my friend thinks he is trying to mess my head up sorry to say he has done,I feel upset as I know now he never really cared.

Sheila

I'm sorry to hear about your sister, hope she makes a full recovery. You will go through many emotions in the next month or so, try to deal with things one at a time. There are many people on here who will always lend a sympathetic ear & give advice if they can, never feel you are completely alone.   

try and be strong, i went through an awful break up 11 years ago and ended up having to go to court so i could make sure the children stayed with me. my husband at the time also went off with my friend and i had to put up with her calling the house and him coming round and making a lot of trouble.
anyway on a brighter note, i can only say time is a great healer and even though i thought i'd never get through it i some how managed to keep going and i have a really happy life these days.
don't expect to feel happy you've got to let yourself grieve if you want to come out the other side. it will take a lot of time but little by little each day will get better. you will look back in time and everything want seem so bad as your life will of moved on.
i met my now husband a year later have been happily married since and wondered why i stayed and put up with all the crap from my first husband years ago.
we also put our problems aside for the kids sake and luckily they they have come through things really well.
so please let yourself cry and be strong. don't let him get the better of you as the more upset he sees you the more he'll keep going.
make sure he has no need to come round the house and get a solicitor to help sort things out. i also found the citizens advice poeple really helpfull, so might be worth giving them a ring.  

my friend thinks he is trying to mess my head up sorry to say he has done,I feel upset as I know now he never really cared.


Hi Annabella,

I hope that you are feeling a little better this morning.

It's hard without spilling your life story all over the forum (which many of us wouldn't wish to do) to know whether this is just a storm in a tea-cup and the un-happiness is just through a lack of communication on both parts or whether for mental or physical abuse reasons the realtionship has no chance whatsoever. But on reading your statement above, I feel (may be completely wrong as it's hard not seeing someone and on a forum) especially with the words I know now he never really cared could this not really be the end here? And if he really is trying to mess with your head, could this also mean he is not ready to let go either, when people really want out they don't wind each other up or do things to upset each other, they just go and never look back, when one or both hang on in there it usually means there is feeling here still, albeit shown in a negative manner.

It's hard to say whether marriage guidance may be worth a shot here or not, but maybe it is............ sometimes people can give up without much of a fight, is this relationship worth fighting for? Could it be pride and stubborness on one or both parts that could be helped by a counsellor, counsellors can be wonderful in fixing what was once wrong, we're often not very good at communicating infact some of us are terrible at it and expect the other partner to be a mind reader and often need a third party to help, we often turn to friends who may read the situation the wrong way or unwittingly give the wrong advice, we often don't even understand ourselves we feel one way one minute and another the next.

Marrige guidance counsellors are detatched from either side and can really see what is happening,  they also are very good at helping people to seperate if all is lost? Men in particular win first prize in not communicating well, they often don't know what we want from them, we have to tell them. Have you asked him to sit down and talk about what has gone wrong with this relationship properly? We may well end things and throw people out in a fit of temper or if we don't feel they are trying hard enough to win us round, can this relationship be saved at all?

Have a serious think about whether this is it for real, or just a rough patch.

All the best, ((((((Big hug)))))

P.S. If it really is the end, try every day to not think about him, I know it is hard but try to focus on other things, every day it will get easier and easier and you'll find that one, two then three days will go by without him entering your head, time heals because other things eventually fill our lives and they leave our thoughts more and more, we stop making that person and what we went through our main focus. It will get better. And he has to move his car, you don't need that constant reminder.

I think as other said get him to park elsewhere, have you made the seperation official? by that I mean with a solicitor. That starts the whold thing off so you can date the end of it all. In case you divorce on seperation, it also keeps any debts of his from this time being yours.

I think all writters are giving good advicem, when you seperate all you want him to do is dry up and blow away, you need to get it started to finally part and sort out the house ect. you arent worried about him being violents are you, if so i think you can change the locks.

If not a quiet word with a mutual friend to ask him to really leave and not use the spot outside of the house as free parking?

Im really sorry its not easy but if you are that unhappy this is the start of a better time in your life. A lot of us have made the break and it will get better from here  on in.

Keep going! Annabella.

You are all giving me strenth ,thank you all so much,got a appointment to see a solicitor on monday,he is due to collect his car very soon,I am feeling nervous,I asked him lasy week why doesn't get dropped off at his mothers he said he didn'T want his work mates to know,no consideration for me.

Sheila

Yep,he has just collected the car,it makes me mad as I bought the car out of my inheritence,i wish i would of had it in my name then i could of sold it,I dont drive so I either have to get a taxi or bus to work I am feeling angry as car is worth 10.000 and hes not even paid a penny for it.

Sheila

> I bought the car out of my inheritence

Do you have a reciept to show you paid for it or him ?
This could be taken into account in any settlement ?  I am sure you will be feeling a bit more positive after your meeting with the solicitor .
Have you had your locks changed so you feel a bit more secure ?
Is he parking on your drive or on the road ? 
I think an appointment with Citizens Advice might be a good idea - i think your first is free ?  I am sure someone on here will know .

Stay positive , and we are always here .

I had a similiar problem i bought the car and just about everything else , out of the money my dad left me , i did have a receipt and legally it was mine , if you cant find the paperwork go back to the garage that sold it and i am sure they will have a copy.
Keep you chin up it really does get better in time ,not easy when its raw but time will heal
xx

> Is he parking on your drive or on the road ?

I ask this because you can't stop him parking  on the road , but if it's on your drive you can . If he is approachable you could always ask him to park a bit further away .

I would suggest that if there is a joint mortgage on the property, he can park on the drive and enter the property as and when he wants.

If he is named on the mortgage/deeds, he has every right to be there unfortunately.