The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and
sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he
had ever seen!
I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his
tools to remove the dead man's penis. The coroner stuffed his prize
into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered."Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy
glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess
to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you