I'm sure Peter Kaye wont mind me borrowing these..
Everyone needs a smile now and again

> > > > My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
> > > > For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father

~~~

> > > > I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
> > > > go swimming.
> > > > ~~~
> > > > I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
> > > > get on with my real ladder.
> > > > ~~~
> > > > Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
> > > > But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones
> > > > may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
> From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> > > > ~~~
> > > >
> > > > My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
> > > > probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> > > > ~~~
> > > >
> > > > Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
> > > > have a good hand.
> > > > ~~~
> > > >
> > > > I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> > > > said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
> > > > ~~~
> > > >
> > > > If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
> > > > of meat?
> > > > ~~~
> > > >
> > > > I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
> > > > give the wrong answers.
> > > > ~~~
> > > >
> > > > You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

> > > > ~~~
> > > > I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

:D :D :D :D
Made me chuckle anyway

thats brillient!!!!!

im peeing myself with laughter and my family dont no whats got into me!!!