A man bought his wife a fur coat made out of 70 hamsters,all was going well till they went to the fair and he couldnt get her off the big wheel

Tee Hee! Thanks for the early morning cheer Mattie!

Oh Mattie, good one, more more...
Dawn B

LOL ...since we're on the subject of jokes --- Here's a rabbit story to go along with the hamsters


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. it says....

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

I think you are both feeling very cheerful today. Can't be bad as the weather is so depressing. Thanks for that.

Ah, it's gorgeous [$ sunny (for once) over here in Germany. Yesterday was so nice that I took the girls out for a bike ride around 7:30pm. Lots of walkers & bikers still out considering most are usually in by that time. Short sleeve & shorts weather :D The weather's supposed to change by Wed. But I'm enjoying it while it lasts :P Planting pretty petunias in window boxes also gets the endorphins working too ])
toodles

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him, swooping past a "Friendly and Affordable" Bed & Breakfast called Greyhouse Inn.

Down through a valley they flew, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, licking their lips.

"Do you see that tree over there?"

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Well...I didn't!"

ROFLOLPML !!!!! :d :d

Good one Lara!!!!! Thanks for the belly laugh

:D :D :D :D

Stacey x x x

ok!
Joke's involving dogs

..We call our dog blacksmith---cos he is always making a bolt for the door

..What has 10 legs,3 heads ,2 arms & 19 hands ----------a man & a dog sitting on a large horse

..Which dogis always making mistakes-------A cock-up spaniel

..What do you call a dog that does 100 mph on the M1----------turbo-rover

..What do you get if you + dog with a girrafe---------an animal that chases low flying planes

..what do you get if you + a sheepdog with a jelly--------the collie-wobbles

..What do the police call there dogs when they have a cold--------sniffer dogs

from karl & the kids :d :d :d

LOL Karl... except that last one... police drug dogs in the States are also called "sniffer dogs" too, just as nicknames. Guess they're extra special & manage to work full time with a cold. Lame, I know, but it's late.
toodles

A friend said to me the other day how did you teach your dog to play scrabble he must be very very intelligent? I said no he's not he always losses :d

Thanks for a groaning laugh.

Toodles pick an animal & I'll see if we can find a joke

It's 6 minutes to midnight & you expect me to come up with an original idea????? Ok, here's one: Emu

Karl a pygamy hippo :D

Ok, you started it though...

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
--------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
---------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
---------------------------------
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
-------------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED>
$100
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER
$300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
--------------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-----------------------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
---------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
-----------------------------
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb

Loved the parachute one ROFLOL :d :d :d

Here's another one...
DEEP THOUGHTS
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. _______________________________________________

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
_______________________________________________

I am in shape. Round's a shape...
_______________________________________________

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
_______________________________________________

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
_______________________________________________

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
_______________________________________________

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
_______________________________________________

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
_______________________________________________

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
_______________________________________________

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
_______________________________________________

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
________________________________________________

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
_______________________________________________

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans/Britains is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
________________________________________________

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
________________________________________________

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
________________________________________________

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'

working on EMU
BUt What sort of AMERICAN holidays do animals take?

They fly Jumbo jets to Moo York

What is the most dangerouse bird in Australia?

EMU with a machine gun

>>Why did the Emu cross the road ---------It was the chickens day off

best I could do

Oooh, that's really painful!!!!!!!! Both are. But not too bad on the spur of the moment
:cool:

Just for the "Lazy" blast the other day, I present for your entertainment:
Seminars for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware.

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

What do you call a really strict teacher?

Miss Norder--Laura Norder

>>>What do you call a woman who checks punctuation

-----DOT

>>>What do you call a man who checks examination papers

----Mark

>>.What do you call a teacher who eats toffees in class

----A Chew-Tor

I had to say that one aloud to get the full effect. Cute, real cute.
I'm headed off now. It took me 8 attempts to spell "aloud" & I"m still not sure if it's correct. toodles

Knock,knock-----
? Who's there ?
TOODLE
Toodle who
Where are you going - I only just got here!

Oh Karl.... et tu???? You're terrible to be picking on moi!!!!
:cool:

There's a '0' and an '8' walking along in the desert, the '0' turns to the '8' and says " Cor, aren't you hot in that belt?"
don't mock me, it's my favourite joke!!!
Emily

Crikey that's bad :D :D I had the excuse that it was late.... what's yours? -- long day at work?? Be careful, the mockodile will getcha & mock you to death :P :P
:cool:

OK you asked for it

What do you call a man with a dry leaf on his head?
Russell

What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
Edward

What do you call a man with two planks on his head?
Edward Wood.

What do you call a man with three planks on his head?
Edward Woodward.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his b*m?
Warren

Jane

OK,

What do you call a girl between to goal posts? Annette

What you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a golden retriever? A dog that scares the s**t out of you then runs off with the toilet paper

Sorry about the last one - I just couldn't resist it!! :D :D

Back on the dog subject!

>.What do you get if you + a cow with a coal mine?
>>>A Pit-Bull

>>What do you get if you + a scary story & a dog?
>>>Someone who is terrier-fied

>>What do you get if you + a dog with atree?
>>>Something with a Silent Bark

>>What do you get if you + A Dog with a Scientist?
>>>something in a Lab Coat

>>Thats amazing-whenever the door bell rings the dog runs & sits in the corner!
>>>That's because he's a Boxer

>>What do you have to know before you can start training a DOG?
>>>More than the DOG!!!!

AND A SPECIAL one for fIONA
Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep with her head under the pillow?

>>The fairies came & took all her teeth out :d :d

thanks, I think!! :D

Holly lost another tooth yesterday, but not the one that's a potential problem, and when Eloise got up she found the tooth fairy had left a piece of liver in Holly's bed.

Eloise was thrilled, but you can imagine the problems we had trying to keep Holly out of her bed when she knew the liver was there :D :D :D

Fiona
x x x

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

10. Dogs don't like Barney.
9. Never borrows the car and wrecks it.
8. Doesn't notice if your clothes are dorky and your hairstyle
is from the 50's
7. Won't grow up to blame you for sending them into years of therapy
6. Won't tie up the phone for hours
5. Cute little puppies grow up to be dogs. Cute little babies
grow up to be teenagers.
4. You can give them dippy names.
3. They never criticize your cooking.
2. Nothing you do can gross them out.
1. You can bury a dog in the backyard, no questions asked.

LD - sorry - I just realized your list was referring to dogs - most of them apply to my family or are not true of my dogs - I'll let you guess which ones;)

Pam n the boys

You're right Sara, he will and believe you me, he's RIGHT in the mood to do so today...........:D :D

Emily set herself up so well for that one, eh? I just couldn't resist :D :D
:cool:

My excuse is that I've got my finals next week, and I'm going bananas as a result!
Emily
If the mockodile attacks, I'll have to get Elsa to lick him 'till he folds! :D

Equal Opportunity

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."

A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.

The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

A Dog Named Sex

Every body who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said, " You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny---I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more."

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.